Barking Up The Wrong Tree by Eric Barker (2017)
TL;DR: Success comes from knowing yourself, treating others well; being assertive when taken advantage of; knowing when to quit what's not important, to be gritty on the ones that are; making friends that support you and that you support, setting boundaries with work and by making time for your relationships.
Barking Up the Wrong Tree as a blog, is a gold mine. One of the few blogs I still frequent on a regular basis. Now as a book, it is well written and very informative. With studies coming from towers of Academia with long deep technical words, this book makes learning pleasant and engaging.
At one podcast, If my memory serves me right, the author likens this to a Mythbusters for Success.
1. Know thyself
We spend too much time trying to be "good" when good is merely average. To be great we must be different. And that doesn't come from trying to follow society's vision of what is best, because society doesn't always know what it needs. More often being the best means just being the best version of you.
What makes you weird, makes you stronger?
"Intensifiers", qualities that seem universally awful have their uses in specific context.
Knowing yourself is half the story. The second half is aligning that information by putting yourself in environments where you can thrive
Accentuate what makes you different
2. Treat others well, but don't keep peace when taken advantage of
On success and cooperating, Nice guys do finish last. But they also finish the first. In math and statistics, it's what's called Bi-Modal where two peaks/concentrations are found. This cited largely from Adam Grant's research on Reciprocity Styles: Givers and Takers.
And if we pattern success from Game Theory, best to adopt a Generous Tit for Tat strategy; don't be envious; don't be the first to defect; and keep strategy simple
So what do you do?
Be nice. If taken advantage of, retaliate. If treated better, forgive
3. Quit what's not important; Persevere on what is
What keeps us going? Stories really.
There's a story you tell about yourself: Positive Self-Talk
In your head, you say between three hundred and a thousand words every minute to yourself. Those words can be positive (I can do it) or negative (Oh God, I can't take this anymore). It turns out that when these words are positive, they have a huge effect on your mental toughness, your ability to keep going.
This coming from Martin Seligman's studies on Explanatory Styles of Pessimists and Optimists. Pessimists see setbacks as permanent, pervasive and personal. Optimists see them as temporary, specific and global.
And then there's a story we tell ourselves about the world: This is where Meaning comes from
The classic example: Viktor Frankl, who survived concentration camps back in World War II.
The physically strong did not live longer. The young did not. The brave did not. The compliant did not. What Viktor Frankl realized was that in the most awful place on Earth, the people who kept going despite the horrors were the ones who had meaning in their lives:A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to hear almost any "how"When we step outside the wish for comfort, when we live fro something greater than ourselves, we no longer have to fight the pain; we accept the pain as a sacrifice. Frankl said, "What is to give light must endure burning".
It's the stories we tell ourselves that keep us going. They can be a higher truth, Or in many cases, they don't need to be true at all.
What beats salary and getting promoted when people are asked what want they from their jobs? Meaningful work
A story we tell to know what truly matters in life: Death. Memento Mori
Thinking about death reminds us of what is truly important in life. David Brooks makes the distinction between "resume values" and "eulogy values". Resume values are things that bring external success, like money and promotions. Eulogy values are about character: Am I kind, trustworthy or courageous?
And there's a kind of story where we play and challenge ourselves: Games. Coincidentally, when we frame hard times as games, we keep going.
And for games to work, it has to be Winnable. There must be Novel Challenges. It is clear what you need to do to win. Feedback must be timely. Why? Progress in meaningful work keeps you motivated.
Now on Quitting; Should we quit? Should that get written off our vocabularies? Well, no. If we did, we'd be miserable.
WC Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again... then give up. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
Quitting is hard. Not trying is harder. So set a bias for action. Make small bets.
Prototype and Test, Prototype and test, prototype and test, until time was up. When there is no set path. This system wins
If you don't know what to be gritty at yet, you need to try a lot of things - knowing you'll quit most of them - to find the answer.
So how do you know when to quit? Run it through mental contrasting. also called "WOOP". Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan
- What's the thing you wish for?
- Crystallize it in your mind and see the outcome
- What obstacle is in the way?
- What's your plan to address it?
That doesn't really answer "When". It answers "How". And that's why after going through WOOP, do you feel energized? or do you feel "meh" or "it's so hard"? There's your answer.
Mental Contrasting gives a motivational boost when your goal is something you can achieve but it doesn't when your goal is outside the realm of possibility. It's like a personal litmus test for feasibility.
Don't know what to do? Make small bets.
Don't know what to prioritize? Think of your death
Don't know how to keep going? Be optimistic, Find something bigger than yourself, or Make it a game
Don't know when to quit or stick it out? Run it through WOOP, and how does it make you feel?
4. Make Friends, Forget Networking
Introversion and Extroversion is largely misunderstood. Just ask Susan Cain who wrote the book Quiet. This could really just be another case of Knowing Yourself. Wherever you fall on the Introvert-Extrovert continuum, there will be things better suited for you career-wise.
Networking is an icky term. Hearing about it makes me think of salesmen and multi-level marketers. Not Good. No wonder people have an aversion to it. Forget networking. Think of other people as friends. We literally conquered the world because of Friendship. (At least in terms of hierarchy with other animals. Peace)
Friends are just family we choose. This allows us to collaborate on a scale that's impossible for other animals. This is the secret to our success as a species. It's also the secret to your success as an individual: friendship.
The rule of thumb is simple when making friends: be socially optimistic. Assume other people will like you and they probably will.
Now that you're being friendly, you still need to find a good healthy group. Healthy in a sense that's in alignment with you being a good person. If you do find someone different from you, Find Commonality. Seek their thoughts and opinions without judging them.
And in terms of mentors and role models
The difference between being inspired by a role model and being demoralized by one comes down to two things: relevance and attainability. When you relate to someone you look up to, you get motivated. And when that person makes you feel you can do that too, that produces real results.
It's not a matter of introversion and extroversion. Forget networking, make friends. Support them. Find healthy friends
5. Forget Self-Confidence, Cultivate Self-Compassion
Being too confident you become a jerk. Having no confidence whatsoever, people see you as incompetent. Which is worse? Over-confidence
Incompetence is a problem that inexperienced people have, and all things being equal, we don't entrust inexperienced people with all that much power or authority. Overconfidence is usually the mistake of experts, and we do give them a lot of power and authority. Plain and simple, incompetence is frustrating, but the people guilty of it usually can't screw things up that bad. The people guilty of overconfidence can do much more damage.
Over-Confidence is also bad for mastery
To be the very best at anything, you will need to be your harshest critic, and that is almost impossible when your starting point is high self-confidence.
This is where it's not really about Confidence. Confidence is externally focused. Self-Compassion is much more controllable. Internal.
Self-Compassion lets you see the facts and accept that you're not perfect. As famed psychologist Albert Ellis once said, "Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional." People with self-compassion don't feel the need to constantly prove themselves, and research shows they are less likely to feel like a "loser".
Confidence is a product of Self-Esteem. Too much and you become a jerk, arrogant. Too little, people perceive you as incompetent. Self-Compassion, on the other hand, has the positive effects without the negatives of Self-Esteem
Be nice to yourself
6. Work is not a priority, Relationships are
It's crazy that Albert Einstein created a contract with his wife when she could interrupt him. Is this the prize of Achievement? The world remembers you, but your own family you neglect. It doesn't have to be. It's not all work hours. If you put everything to work, that's literally what you're left with. Work. Too much and you lose relationships. The idea is to not sequence or leave things in boxes. Sometime you just have to be creative; make it fun.
Work and Life both tugs at this little river called Time. In Previous times, there were natural boundaries when Work ends and Life begins. Now, Work is like a motorboat rushing through the river, and Life remains to be manually tugged. And if you don't make a choice, you steer way too much in the wrong direction. And in our choices, we think more is good.
We love having choices. We hate making choices. Having choices means having possibilities. Making choices means losing possibilities.
And yet Life suffers,
You have to make a decision. The world will not draw a line. You must. You need to ask What do I want? Otherwise you're only going to get what they want.
One challenge with Success is the things that matter are hard to measure. We've always equated success with money and wealth; leaving out our relationships. If you do insist on a metric to a successful life, it makes sense to be holistic about it.
- Happiness - Enjoying; having feelings of pleasure or contentment in and about your life
- Achievement - Winning; accomplishments that compare favorably against similar goals other have strived for
- Significance - Counting to others; having a positive impact on people you care about
- Legacy - Extending, establishing your values or accomplishments in ways that help others find future success
The most important thing to remember when it comes to success? Alignment
Success is not the result of any single quality. It's about alignment between who you are and where you choose to be. The right skill in the right hole. A good person person surrounded by other good people. A story that connects you with the world in a way that keeps you going. A network that helps you, and a job that leverages your natural introversion or extroversion. A level of confidence that keeps you going while learning and forgiving yourself for the inevitable failures. A balance between the big four that create a well-rounded life with no regrets.
The most important type of alignment?
Being connected to a group of friends and loved ones who help you become the person you want to be. [...] Your relationships are what bring you happiness.
Your relationships matter
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