Quiet (2012) | Susan Cain

The book is about introversion; for introverts in a world inclined for extroverts. It is about our misconceptions, about a better way to understand ourselves and/or the other quiet people at home or at work.

 Susan Cain opens with the rise of the Extrovert and how society shifted from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality, and that which influenced the leaders people default to. Citing Tony Robbins as an example how we equate Extroversion to Success, the Harvard Business School as Extroversion is to Leadership, and in religion equating Extroversion to Godliness.

When in fact, Introversion can be better in terms of leadership. On some studies, researchers found introverted leaders work best with proactive members because the leader listens and gets the best idea. The extroverted leader work best with a passive crew.

Another is the rise of brainstorming; group-think. Originally intended to generate ideas, ultimately it doesn’t keep up with its premise since it stifles the introvert’s ability to contribute. Brainstorming is good for making people attached; a social glue, but not for creativity. It’s best to ask people to generate ideas on their own before meeting up together and exchanging plans. It is best to find a balance between group think and solitude.

The second part deals with introversion/extroversion through the classic nature or nurture debate. As with most, we are a mixture of both our temperaments and our environment, both our nature and how we were nurtured. Our temperament is like a rubber band, it can be stretched but only up to a point before it breaks. There is an optimal amount of stimulation for both introverts and extroverts. One can get bored or get over exerted. Again, there is a balance to sensitivity/reactivity. The trade-off theory suggests that one temperament’s strength becomes it weakness. Extroverts have more sexual partners but commit more adultery. Extroverts take more risks. Introverts suffer fewer consequences. Introverts are geared to inspect. Extroverts are geared to respond. Introverts see the warning signs. Extroverts seek out the "buzz", that dopamine-rush. Then, in terms of a cultural tendency, Asians are generally introverted. Westerners are generally extroverted. Asians are relationship honoring. Westerners honor the individual.

The third part gets into more actionable details. Brian Little and the Free Trait Theory suggests, we are entirely dependent on fixed and free traits: personality and situation. And that we sometimes act out of our personality in the service of our core personal projects.

How to find your core personal project?

1. Think back what you loved to do when you were a child
2. Pay attention to the work you gravitate to
3. Pay attention to what you envy

To help support both our personality and our personal projects, Little suggests to have a Free Trait Agreement: That you'll have to act out of character sometime, but you'll be in character the rest of the time.

On communicating, Introverts are conflict avoiders. Extroverts are conflict copers. In conflicts, it’s best to know that venting doesn’t soothe anger; it fuels it. On confrontations with opposite type, it’s best for Introverts to not close off, to learn to "hiss" a bit. That speaking up doesn’t have to be a huge display. it could be as simple as "that's not OK with me". For extroverts: take a deep breath, take a 10-minute break, ask whether what you’re angry about is really important and to not phrase personal attacks but as neutral discussion items.

On parenting an introverted child, tell him that you felt the same way when you were young and still do sometimes at work, but it gets easier with time. Introverted children have a tendency to be cautious to novelty; new things can be scary. Expose them to it gradually. To create communication at an early age, ask for information in a gentle non-judgmental way, E.g. what did you do in math class today? What do you like about your teacher? Think "What" questions, instead of "How" or "Why".


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