The Gift of Fear (1997) | Gavin de Becker
It’s an uncomfortable look at what really happens. One that is often unexplored. From all the “look at the bright sides”, and all the “look at the silver linings” material produced nowadays, we often forget the duality of things. It’s not even philosophical. The reality is bad things happen. But you can listen and put yourself in a position to act appropriately when it does.
The capacities of a human being can both be remarkable and terrifying. We are capable of making pancakes and nuclear bombs.
In the book, Gavin de Becker discusses fear, intuition, prediction and survival signals among other things; violence by people, in the workplace, in relationships, in high stakes contexts etc. He also goes on to distinguish two emotions that seems to overlap; Fear and Worry.
At one podcast, De Becker goes to say something along the lines of “it is a rare message to hear that in times of danger, what you need is already in you”. This he attributes to our Intuition. Intuition being the cornerstone of safety.
Survival Signals
Predicting Violence
On threats and Intimidation
Threats are statements of intention to do harm with no condition. Intimidation are statements to be met in order to avert harm. These are all words fueled by emotion. The power is in the listener. Be stoic and it loses power. Extortion is a threat to disclose information that may be damaging to the listener. Do not be worried.
On unwanted persistence
Engage and Enrage: The more attachment you have-whether favorable or unfavorable-the more things escalate. Do not engage.
On workplace hazards
When you have to cause to fire someone, fire them. If you try and fail, it only sets up threats, intimidation, manipulation and escalation. Manipulations are statements intended to influence outcomes without threat. Escalation are actions intended to cause fear, upset or anxiety
As a leader, redefine “wrong” in this context: A manager is wrong when he/she (1) doesn’t consider safety, (2) doesn’t ask the right questions and (3) doesn’t communicate concerns clearly and early.
Best to screen out during interviews, one of such questions are to describe the best boss you ever had, and the worst boss you ever had.
For difficult terminations, make the person feel safe. Do not lead him to believe that you are anticipating threats. Do not negotiate – Have a boomerang line. Be direct. Cite general rather than specific issues. Time it right, choose your setting and your cast.
On domestic violence
For battered women, seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your pursuer. Deliver an emotional message for battling syndromes, logic and reason will not sway.
On date stalking
Remember that persistence only proves persistence. It does not prove love. De Becker suggests that women be direct, because men hear it differently. “I am absolutely 100% sure that I do not want to date you. I am certain and never will. I expect that knowing this you’ll put your attention elsewhere because that’s what I intend to do”.
On violence by children
It’s a Pre-Incident indicator when a child doesn’t feel recognized and is abused. The easiest way to prevent is to be a loving parent. Children becoming violent could be prevented with the presence of a caregiver, not necessarily a biological parent, but someone who shows and talks to them that they have value and are recognized.
On Fear and Worry
Fear has its purpose. Along with the other emotions. Ideally when there is fear, we look around, follow the fear and ask what we are perceiving. If we are looking some specific danger, we are less likely to see the danger. De Becker advises to pay relaxed attention to the environment, rather than rapt attention to the imagination. He devises two rules about fear.
Real Fear is involuntary. Worry is voluntary. When worrying, ask yourself “how does this serve me?”.
An exercise
Draw a line. On opposite ends write “Birth” and “Death” on the other. Ask where do you think in your life you are now? Realize that it’s a lot of time, do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying?
The capacities of a human being can both be remarkable and terrifying. We are capable of making pancakes and nuclear bombs.
In the book, Gavin de Becker discusses fear, intuition, prediction and survival signals among other things; violence by people, in the workplace, in relationships, in high stakes contexts etc. He also goes on to distinguish two emotions that seems to overlap; Fear and Worry.
At one podcast, De Becker goes to say something along the lines of “it is a rare message to hear that in times of danger, what you need is already in you”. This he attributes to our Intuition. Intuition being the cornerstone of safety.
Survival Signals
- Forced Teaming – establishing “we” are in the same boat, inappropriate when applied in a vulnerable situation
- Charm and Niceness – to compel by attraction, inappropriate when unsolicited
- Too Many Details – to control by information overload, defend by thinking about the context: “he is a stranger who approached you”
- Typecasting – a slight insult, making the woman feel like she has to prove that she’s not. Defend by not engaging.
- Loan Sharking – similar to Robert Cialdini’s principle of reciprocity, defend by thinking of context: “you didn’t ask for help”
- Unsolicited Promise – to convince with an intention but are not guaranteed. Defend by saying “you’re right. I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason”
- Discounting the word “No” – ignoring “no”. Defend by increasing your insistence, and let go of politeness, “I said NO!”
Predicting Violence
- Perceived Justification – Does the person feel justified in using violence?
- Perceived Alternatives – Does the person perceive that he has available alternatives to violence that will move him towards the outcome he wants?
- Perceived Consequences – How does the person view the consequences associated with using violence?
- Perceived Ability – Does the person believe he can successfully deliver the blow or bullet or bomb?
On threats and Intimidation
Threats are statements of intention to do harm with no condition. Intimidation are statements to be met in order to avert harm. These are all words fueled by emotion. The power is in the listener. Be stoic and it loses power. Extortion is a threat to disclose information that may be damaging to the listener. Do not be worried.
On unwanted persistence
Engage and Enrage: The more attachment you have-whether favorable or unfavorable-the more things escalate. Do not engage.
On workplace hazards
When you have to cause to fire someone, fire them. If you try and fail, it only sets up threats, intimidation, manipulation and escalation. Manipulations are statements intended to influence outcomes without threat. Escalation are actions intended to cause fear, upset or anxiety
As a leader, redefine “wrong” in this context: A manager is wrong when he/she (1) doesn’t consider safety, (2) doesn’t ask the right questions and (3) doesn’t communicate concerns clearly and early.
Best to screen out during interviews, one of such questions are to describe the best boss you ever had, and the worst boss you ever had.
For difficult terminations, make the person feel safe. Do not lead him to believe that you are anticipating threats. Do not negotiate – Have a boomerang line. Be direct. Cite general rather than specific issues. Time it right, choose your setting and your cast.
On domestic violence
For battered women, seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your pursuer. Deliver an emotional message for battling syndromes, logic and reason will not sway.
On date stalking
Remember that persistence only proves persistence. It does not prove love. De Becker suggests that women be direct, because men hear it differently. “I am absolutely 100% sure that I do not want to date you. I am certain and never will. I expect that knowing this you’ll put your attention elsewhere because that’s what I intend to do”.
On violence by children
It’s a Pre-Incident indicator when a child doesn’t feel recognized and is abused. The easiest way to prevent is to be a loving parent. Children becoming violent could be prevented with the presence of a caregiver, not necessarily a biological parent, but someone who shows and talks to them that they have value and are recognized.
On Fear and Worry
Fear has its purpose. Along with the other emotions. Ideally when there is fear, we look around, follow the fear and ask what we are perceiving. If we are looking some specific danger, we are less likely to see the danger. De Becker advises to pay relaxed attention to the environment, rather than rapt attention to the imagination. He devises two rules about fear.
- The fact that you fear something is solid evidence that it is not happening
- What you fear is rarely what you think you fear – it is what you link to fear
Real Fear is involuntary. Worry is voluntary. When worrying, ask yourself “how does this serve me?”.
- When you feel fear, listen
- When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it
- If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why
An exercise
Draw a line. On opposite ends write “Birth” and “Death” on the other. Ask where do you think in your life you are now? Realize that it’s a lot of time, do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying?
